Just Keep Trying

March 29 Friday

Wind:from NW 6.6 m/sec (15 mph); Air Temperature:1.3 °C (52 °F); Water Temperature:10.42 °C (51 °F)

Today at the lake it was sunny, and I felt hopeful as I approached the beach because it seemed almost like a Spring day.

I started off swimming south toward the boat launch. I tried swimming crawl, but I had to switch to breast stroke. I’m so out of swimming shape after taking off a few weeks. I’m also so exhausted from all the stress with my family and my financial & housing situation now that I just don’t have anything in the tank.

The water started of fairly flat, but it there were lots of wakes from boats. A huge, flat hauler type of boat and a few small white boats. There was a huge group of black birds sitting together in the deep water. Maybe they are a type of duck. I should find out. 

I swam through a sunbeam tunnel and took the opportunity to greet my peeps, “T, A, R, H, E.” Then I kept going, “ME, TW, SC, SP, MZ, …” Hello to all I have known, even if I didn’t know you well. 

I was really winded, so I took a break and floated on my back for a bit. I could see a squiggly thing – in or on my eye? – and it was weirding me out. I turned around and swam breast stroke toward the cement dock. 

The water was hazy again, so I couldn’t see the bottom. I was so tired that I had to stop several times to breathe, float, tread water. I love how I can float in the water, even when I’m in a vertical position. Neoprene!

I finally reached the cement dock, and swam crawl around it. Then I swam south but ended up east. I try not to go in the really deep water when I swim alone, but I also love being there. I rested my head against my tow floaty, and try to relax. 

Every minute of today’s swim felt like I was working against a glob of molasses. It’s crazy how fragile my health is. Just when I feel like I’m in a better place, the rug gets pulled out from under me. This all-consuming stress has left me in a much deeper, more disorienting level of intense fatigue. It doesn’t let up. I feel unsafe driving, but the lake is so close that I have to risk it. 

The water usually washes away my stress quickly, but now I’m in a much deeper stress place. I think my PTSD is fully triggered and working on me internally. Even when I’m not thinking about it I’m absolutely exhausted adn constantly check to make sure I unclench my jaw. I don’t want to grind my teeth down. 

Seems better to have swims that feel too hard and don’t fully relax me than to stay in bed, which is what I did yesterday. I need to follow the advice I’d give a friend: just hang in and try to exercise and maybe realize I have to do less right now. 

I still don’t know how I’m gonna get out of this mess, but I know what makes me happy. And I want to pursue the things that make me happy.