Never Mind About the Weather

Monday April 25, 2022 | water temp 46-50 F

Today at the lake it was windy, wavy, and wet. When I arrived a kiteboarder was literally sailing through the air. Badass. 

The waves were fairly big, and the beach was deserted. Kinda dreary and dark, but I’ve decided I don’t care and I’m not gonna get killed at the beach. I MUST swim. 

It’s been a wild few days, and I don’t know how to describe it or talk about it because I’m still processing. But I will try. 

Love is All Around Me

The short version is: I had two sessions with a medium (on Thursday and on Saturday). My friend from out of town and I meet with her on Zoom. More details later, but my mind and heart are blown. We got to talk with two dear friends, her son, and my grandmother, who is now friends with her son. It was the most natural, simple, open, loving experience I’ve ever had. My friends and my grandma who have transitioned are looking out for me, trying to help me, loving me no matter what. I was crying the entire time. I have never felt so much love. It was a complete outpouring of love, pure, easy, undeniable. 

The only reason I’m mentioning it here, in my blog about depression, is that it has had a profound impact. It went straight to my core. It challenges all the negative bullshit I have grown up thinking and feeling, and especially the bs I was told. So as I process it I think it will be something I can ask my therapist and psychiatrist to work into my treatment when I start doing actual therapy. 

Shout it To The Top

Until then, more brain zapping. Today I listened to KISS, but the tech couldn’t line up the songs, so it was two random songs I didn’t know. Still, the loud part is most important, a distraction to focus on so I don’t focus on the weird and painful zapping above my eye. 

There are a few KISS songs I enjoy, but hearing them (as opposed to seeing the spectacle of their live stage show…or as opposed to being in 7th grade) I was thinking that they sort of suck. They don’t stand out for being amazing guitar players, they don’t have incredible voices, they don’t write very good songs. They’re fun at a party for a few of the old 70s radio hits, and suitable for distraction during painful brain zapping sessions, but otherwise, meh. 

I am a little bit worried that my plan to get zapped to KISS and AC/DC so I don’t ruin the music I love could backfire. What if the zapping wires them into my brain? What if I can never stop the “I was made for loving you baby, you were made for loving me” loop? Creepy. I need to talk to the doctor; it’s gonna bother me until I know. 

I am noticing little breaks in the BLAH cement I’m stuck in. Tiny little moments of time where I think about what it would be like to go on a trip or work on a project. Then, as if it’s a colored image before me, I can see it crumbled and fall to the floor in pieces. Other times I get waves of anxiety or panic. Sometimes I just feel crazy scared. Trying really hard to not judge or engage with any of these sensations or feelings. Just let them happen but keep a cool head. I need to ask my therapist, who I haven’t seen in weeks because of the brain sessions, if this is the right strategy. I need tools. 

Yamamoto, Baby

My new wetsuit arrived several days ago, but I haven’t had the time to make the space to try it on and see if it’s a good fit. It’s a thermal suit, and expensive, so I wanted to make sure I didn’t keep it out of enthusiasm. It’s not perfect, and the legs are a big short on me (so I will need to find tall thermal socks), but I decided to swim in it today. Which means, I decided to keep it. 

Wow, f-ing wow. Like swimming naked. I’ve been swimming in a suit that’s designed to be affordable. It fits pretty well, and it’s been rock solid the past many months. But the reason it’s affordable is that the company uses cheaper neoprene. Yamamoto neoprene is the bomb. All the top brands use it. It’s super stretchy, smooth, soft, literally like putting on another layer of skin. Really nice skin. 

Because it’s so soft and flexible, I can get my wrist cuffs of my gloves underneath the wetsuit sleeve. Easily, with no bunching. I’m just stunned by that. It zips up easily because the suit fits my torso better than my usual suit, even with my gigantic melons. It’s lined with thermal material, but the suit still feels very thin. Don’t know how they do that. AND, the warmest panels don’t add too much buoyancy. I don’t like super floaty suits. The difference when I swim is day and night. I didn’t realize how stiff my other suit is. My new suit is thin but extra warm. It has a special batwing that prevents water from the zipper touching my skin. When I swim I feel so free. I’ve never worn a suit that was so skin tight and so stretchy AND warm. 

It didn’t matter how big the water was today because I just kept swimming, mostly in circles because I was getting tossed around a bit. With each stroke I tried to stretch my arms and legs a bit. I was amazed that my legs were warm, the front of my body was warm. I had a vague cold spot around my lower back, but it didn’t feel like water was pooling anywhere. 

If anyone had been watching me underwater I was smiling like a maniac, swimming, swimming, swimming. No sun today so the glow was coming from me. Intense wetsuit happiness. Comfort. Worth every stinking penny. 

I also had new booties; I bought the same inexpensive pair I had before. This time I’m gonna wear some plastic purple garden clogs I ordered over the booties so I don’t tear up the booties walking to and from the water and parking lot. 

Worth the Risk

My swim buddy L is all about getting her business done at the lake so she does’t have to wrestle with her gear at home. Today I tried her way. Instead of leaving my bag of gear in the car I left it on the beach, then when I got out I carried it to the outdoor showers, removed my wetsuit and accessories, rinsed them all in the shower, then got dressed under my Honcho Poncho. I’ve decided it’s worth the risk of someone stealing my bag/gear because it is so nice to get all the neoprene rinsed in an open space. Then I get home and all I have to do is hang stuff up in the entryway, then grab a shower. 

It started raining before I ended my swim, which I kind of loved until I remembered that my bag doesn’t have a top. All my dry gear was getting soaked. It worked out. One of my coverups took most of the rain, and the other gear was underneath it.

The Drive

On the way home, T played an Xfinity commercial for me. The angry email I sent them last night notwithstanding, I need to DEAL and call them and get my money and better service. 

The Lake

I love you, lake. I love you, I love you, I love you.