Not Bad for a Tuesday

May 17 6:35pm

Today at the lake, the water was flat, refreshing, and full of sunbeams. There were several paddle boarders on the lake, a few motor boats, one fishing boat, a sail boat in the distance, and a floaty plane. 

Cuidado!

Why the F floaty planes come to my lake to practice landings and takeoffs is beyond me, but it chaps my ass. It’s hard enough to pay attention to oncoming boats when I’m swimming in the deep, but planes are worse because they move faster. I had my yellow buoy on, but do they look? Do they know there are OW swimmers in the lake? 

Forgot Some Gear

I was hoping to meet up with a swim buddy today, but in the end she didn’t have time. I’m glad I rushed to the lake, though, because I really needed to get in the water. In my hurry I forgot my waterproof phone pouch and my yellow swim cap (which I wear on top of the thermal cap for visibility). I didn’t care, and trusted that water wouldn’t get into the buoy and ruin my iPhone, which is encased in an alleged waterproof case that I think leaks. 

Sunny Sunbeams

I swam to the buoy, then south, had a float on my back, then came back to the beach. A triangle. I was just chugging along and could see sunbeams underneath me. Most of the time I was swimming at an intersecting angle, so I just noticed the light from my peripheral vision and underneath me. It looked like the sunbeams were flat. Then I looked to my right and saw that I was intersecting the tunnel!!! There were beams all around me. 

Don’t know why that was such a surprise, but from my vantage point I was thinking what I saw was flat. Sometimes you need to look around to get the whole picture. It made me feel a bit giddy, like I had a really good secret/surprise to share. Like the rainbow tunnel is looking out for me. We’re connected, and it’s holding me. 

The water was kind of dark turquoise, so I got all excited about the yellow light on the blue. Go Ukraine. Go Sweden. 

When I got closer to the swimming area, I could see a sea gull sniffing around my gear bag, and I didn’t like it one bit. I am used to the ducks, but this sea gull felt like an intruder. He should be hanging out by the sound, not on the lake beach. WTF. Get lost, poopy bird. 

OMG. Why am I such a territorial betch? There is room for all. Still, the gulls need to stay over by the sea. 

New Stroke

I tried to stop and float but the boats were making the water a bit choppy and I couldn’t relax because I didn’t want the splashes to get in my mouth and choke me.  I just swam into the swimming area, then practiced my new stroke until I reached shallow water. Here it is: I pedal my feet as if I’m riding a bicycle while doing breast stroke with my arms. It’s like I’m sitting in an invisible chair or riding an invisible unicycle. There is a backwards stroke I do, too, for fun, but I’m too tired to describe it. 

About Depression

Today the tech played Van Morrison while I was getting zapped. Wild Night and Kingdom Hall. I submitted my playlist so long ago that I don’t remember what she will line up each visit. Listening to Van always makes me happy, and it always reminds me of my friend R, who died about eight years ago. I used to make him and his wife the best mixed tapes, and it always made me feel good that he thought I made killer playlists. I did. I do. 

So I shed a few tears, and also let myself feel the love. Something is shifting with the zapping. A bit of a break in the clouds sometimes. A little bit of ability to feel some things. A tiny bit of ability to talk myself down when the crazies flood in. I still feel very detached from myself and others. I still have these thoughts: “I hate everyone,” which is really an expression of complete overwhelm and sometimes also means that I hate the f-d up, toxic, racist, bad people who make the world worse. Mostly, it just means that I can’t cope. At all. It’s all too big, too awful. The other is “I don’t care.” I am having glimmers of wanting to make plans. I want to go to California this summer. I’m pressing ahead with my leg surgery. If I think too much, I get a huge wave of terror and confusion slapping me back. My brain cannot handle all the details and consequences and planning. 

I’m trying to trust the doctor, who says that the fact that I am having small breaks of clearing here and there is a good sign. It’s hard, though. I want and need full remission. I need my self back. This treatment is only one of many, and I have a long way to go……but getting my brain working again—cognitively and emotionally—would be awesome. At the same time, I have no idea what to do, who I am, or how to come back. It’s been bad for so long I’m not sure when I will be at a point where I recognize a healthy place.  

The past seven or eight years have sucked, and too much has happened. I’m not who I was because of those things, and I don’t know who I want to me because I don’t know how many of my limitations I can lift. I can’t even think about it or I get really freaked out. Sometimes I literally worry that I will lose my mind. Maybe I shouldn’t. 

Actually, I’m totally high from the swim right now and feel like emailing my dentist office to thank them for cleaning my teeth and giving me a goody bag and to tell them I love them. This swimming thing is better than Vicodin. 

El Lago

Back to the lake. I feel like the water is getting warmer. LakeMonster.com says it was 54 F today. And the air temp was 60. Ya-f-ing-hoo. I didn’t get my gear on right today, so a few leaks. It actually felt nice to have some trickles of cold water in my suit. I get warm from swimming. I’m still wearing my 5mm hood, with my sleeveless hooded thermal top over my hood and wetsuit. In the cold months I need the extra warm and wear it inside my suit. Now I just need the extra layer around my neck to prevent water getting in. 

I’ve retired the 5mm gloves (unless I get lucky and can swim in an alpine lake this summer), and am wearing my 1.5 mm gloves under a cheap pair of 2mm gloves. Plenty warm enough. I think now would be a good time for newbies to start getting into lake swimming. It’s cold enough for a 3:2 wetsuit, but not so cold that they’ll be traumatized! 

As much as I love swimming without a wetsuit, I’m also feeling lots of love for my wetsuit (and so grateful I have a nice friend who gave it to me.) I have abused the heck out of that thing in the past seven months, and despite some fraying and  tears around the edge of the sleeves, the thing in bombproof. Meanwhile, my princess thermal suit is waiting for me to repair the tear so I can wear it a few more times before it gets stored until Nov or Dec. 

The Windmill

There is a large structure on the other side of the lake that looks like a windmill. I think it some type of crane. Probably one of our local billionaires building a $40 million compound. Whatever. On sunny days, I can see Mt. Rainier. And from the water I can look north and see snowcapped mountains. They are pretty, scenic, whatever. But the windmill thing has me so intrigued because I am convinced someone is building a giant windmill, and that would be so great. I can’t stop thinking about Don Quixote, the man not the book. I think we read the book or at least learned about the book in high school. I’m down for idealism. And the book/character fit in with my personal themes of adventure, mental illness, keep trying, who cares if people are laughing at me, etc. Every time I look up and see the windmill I think “Sancho Panza and his ass.” Is that from the book? Is that from my classmates and I being juvenile because it’s funny to hear the word “ass.” 

Ginger Bun and Two Ducks

My yard bun is back, and he has a friend. They greeted me when I came home today. My bun has some ginger fur mixed in with his grey speckled fur. I think he might come from vikings. 

And here is the lake today. Bye.