One Day at a Time

19 April 2022 | Water 46-50 F

Today at the lake it was sunny, the water was clear and flat, and I got to swim with one of my swim buddies for the third time in about 10 days. Bonus! 

Swim Buddy Better

I have gotten used to swimming alone, so having a few swim dates in a row has been feeling so good. Like I am finally finding a community of swimmers. Today the other ladies messaged me to swim, too, but I already had plans to swim a bit later with K. I love that we were in the same water just minutes after they finished their swim/soak. Their lake love still filtering through the water.

It’s so much nicer to swim with others even if you all do your own thing and split off from each other in the water. I swam to the speed limit buoy today, and I looked back and saw K swimming south from the cement dock. We are both taking this thing one swim at a time, finding our comfort levels, figuring out what we’re ready for in the water. It feels good to know that just a bit away K is having her swim experiences while I’m having mine. It’s hard to describe how it feels to be in the water to someone who doesn’t partake, but I know K gets it. Not that others don’t, but sharing an experience, especially after two years of lockdown, gives me the opening feelings I need to get out of the depression pit. And to live. Connection and community are everything.

Beam Me Up

Today was all about the sunbeam tunnel. The water was so clear, but as I passed the cement dock it gets too deep to see anything but hazy green-blue. It’s not even a pretty “I’m in the magic waters” color. But I am in the tunnel and rhythmically swimming to my breath as I go farther into the tunnel. The sides are all different colors of light, white, yellow. Well, maybe not. I can’t really think of them as having a color, but there are just different shades of light. The water as prism effect is so enticing, and to be able to stay in the tunnel for so long feels like I’m in on the best secret. 

One my way to the buoy, two kayakers glided by. I waved a big whole-arm wave like an eager puppy dog. Because that’s the kind of woman I am. Hello. Isn’t the water amazing. The sun is out. Tra la la. That’s what my wave says. They don’t wave back because they are paddling, but I think they caught my drift. I know that nobody in Seattle will ever be as friendly as me to me; I’m ok with that. 

I’m amazed at how comfortable I felt swimming to the buoy. Just six months ago if felt dangerous, like I would get too tired and perish halfway there. It’s not easy, but I was locked into my breathing and to the inside of the tunnel, my own magical expressway to bliss. 

Not that I was fully blissed; my mind wandered, thinking about my back-to-back doctor appointments tomorrow. Thinking about how tired I am. Wondering if this new treatment for my depression is going to work. Still, a limited bliss is still in the bliss category. Fake it til you make it, my therapist says. 

Beat Me Up

The treatment, Transcranical Magnetic Stimulation (or, TMS), is going ok. Meh. Meaning, I don’t feel that I have improved. It’s really hard on me energy-wise and emotionally to get myself to the clinic every f-ing day. Grateful for my friend B, who drives me half the time. She would drive me more often if I wanted, but I really want to get myself there sometimes. Other times I’m so relieved that I don’t have to drive. I’m dreading tomorrow because I’m exhausted, and I have two doctor visits in a row, followed by some brain zapping. It’s A LOT.

It’s still early days, but to be honest, I thought it would be easier. I didn’t know it would hurt. I didn’t know it would make me so tired. Today I asked the tech to lower the back of the chair. I always have the footrest raised, but I’ve been sitting up for the treatments and not feeling comfortable. Because I have this weird autonomic issue (part of the hell that is Stinker), I get dizzy and gaspy for air if I’m vertical. Lowering the chair so I was almost lying down really helped me relax and feel comfortable. Fighting against gravity is bullshit. That’s what I love about my wetsuit – it defies gravity. It gives me extra Sea Witch powers.

Back to the lake for a second. After I swam in to meet up with K, we both floated on our backs for a few minutes. It is the only place where I can completely let go of everything. Every thought, every muscle, every tension. I could fall asleep in that water. Maybe I will some day. 

Ok. So, the other issue with the TMS treatment is that we have been trying to find the right music for me to listen to during the zapping. The tech lines it up on the computer and then I can see a huge screen tv with a photo of the band and a list of songs that will play. The first time we did it, I chose The Who. Because they are everything to me, always and forever. The music is loud, the lyrics bite, and the songs fight. Nothing makes me feel better. Focussing on the lyrics and the sound helps distract me from the painful zaps and from worrying that my head will explode a la Scanners. 

I was freaking out last week, worried that the zapping was going to send me into a panic attack. This is all shit I have to figure out from a jumble of confusing sensations and emotions I can’t even begin to sort out in the moment. It’s both messy and blank. My brain, I mean. 

I already wrote about the other music I tried in my last post, so if I’ve read it, sorry for the repetition. Even though the Who worked, I have been on a search for the past couple of treatments to find music I can afford to lose. I don’t want to have my enjoyment of the Who ruined by the brain zapped. No negative associations. I have found the ideal replacement in KISS. It’s loud, I know the lyrics of several songs (the treatment only lasts for two songs), and if I never want to hear them again after I complete my treatment, I can live with that. 

Yesterday the tech started the music when I got there, so it went from “I Was Made for Loving You” to “Rock and Roll All Night” to “Detroit Rock City.” I wear earplugs during the treatment; I have to pull them out a bit so I can hear the music. Also, these speakers go to 11. Today I asked the tech not to start the music until the second before we start. That way, I learned that the treatment lasts two songs, and I don’t have to listen to “Detroit Rock City,” which doesn’t do it for me. 

The whole way home in the car “I was made for loving you baby, you were made for loving me…” was cycling in my head just the way the song does. Pete Townshend writes amazing songs, deep songs, emotional songs. KISS songs can be consumed and discarded. They don’t feel like they have value beyond the catchy tune and the spectacle of the listening experience. Which is just fine; not every songs needs to be a masterpiece. And “I Was Made for Loving You” was a hit because now I can’t get it out of my head. The repetition works. F! 

I might have to mix it up a bit. It didn’t occur to me that some songs could get stitched into my brain with this approach. I don’t want to think about it. I’m so F-ing tired. I’m also so F-ing neurotic enough to now worry about what this KISS exposure might do to my brain. Next up, AC/DC.

The Swim

Back to the lake…Once I reached the buoy and surveyed the lake like a little otter popping my head up to see where I am, I swam south, past the borders of the swim area, then headed back in to the swim area, a triangle route. I was really tired by the end, and also super happy. Swimming back to shore I got to be in the sunbeam tunnel again, swimming toward the sun. The other way, the tunnel is endless and the middle of the tunnel is water. Swimming towards the sun the tunnel arcs up into a glowy cloud/ball/thingy. Plus, swimming to the light, to enlightenment, to knowledge, self-knowledge, death?, clarity, so many meanings to ponder. 

So nice to chat with K after our swim. Again, I’m used to being alone, so it feels better to share an experience. We chatted in the parking lot while I changed. I forgot my transition mat and my shoes, and when I told K this, she said she always forgets at least one piece of gear. OMG. I felt so much better hearing that. I think I’m so dialed in, but I always forget something. I’m glad it’s not just me. 

From the shore I saw the two kayakers glide by. I like them. They add color to the scene. One lady had a white kayak, and the other lady was in a blue kayak. The both looked so smooth. I will never have the energy, ab strength, or arm strength to kayak. I’d rather be in the water, anyway.

I’m really tired. I ate two bags of baked cheese puffs yesterday because the one thing I know about the treatment is that it’s making me feel kind of emo binge-eaty. I don’t care. 

Tomorrow, I have a swim date with L. Haven’t seen her since fall. I don’t swim two days in a row, so I hope I have the energy to do it. I wish my stuff would dry faster, too. It takes two days for stuff to dry. Cray. I really hate putting on wet gloves. 

The Lake