Today at the lake it was dark, and the water was flat. My caretaker, M, took me to the beach with just 15 minute left until sundown. I love swimming at night; it’s just not ideal to be in the park alone once it gets dark. But we were two, and we felt safe.
It takes awhile to get the wetsuit on, and I forgot that once it’s on I can’t really bend over. I was rolling around on my beach towel, asking M to put my neoprene socks on. She couldn’t really do it, and maybe it is a weird thing to ask. I had to unzip and roll the top of the suit down, then put on the neoprene socks (lined with wool, I should add). Then the suit goes back up. There is a technique to zipping it up. You don’t bend forward. You stand straight. I pressed my left thumb into the bottom of the zipper area, then pulled the zipper pull (which is about two feet long) out and away from my body and up. That’s how to zip up a wetsuit so you don’t damage the suit or the zipper. Then there is a tab that folds over the top of the zipper and sticks with a Velcro-like attachment. In and done.
Next, the Spidey arm warmers, which are just sleeves that were cut off of another wetsuit. They are my favorite piece of gear because they look really cool and they work! My forearms are the skinniest part of my blubbbody, and they get cold. With the sleeves I feel nothing! The cover me wrist to armpit. Next, the gloves. They are also quite effective for such thin neoprene. No, wait. The wool lined neoprene cap goes on, then my yellow silicone cap goes over that, then the gloves. Then I buckle the swim buoy strap on.
Since M was with me and could watch my stuff, I didn’t have much to put into the buoy. I tossed in my water bottle and my inhaler.
It was my first time trying the socks, so I wasn’t sure how well they would work on the slippery rocks I had to traverse to get to the waist-deep water to have my shiver and doubt moment. Turns out I am better at navigating the rocks, and while the socks are no match form my treaded Vibram FiveFinger shoes, they kept half of my lower leg warmer. Last time I swam my lower legs felt frozen for quite awhile.
No hesitation about diving in and heading out and right…until I was in teh water and felt a cold slice down my back. I’d forgotten to attach the flap over teh zipper and some water was getting in. I had to stop and tread water while I made the adjustments. Then back to it.
I need to get a headlamp for swimming because I can’t really see much when it’s dark. I swim through the dark grey water and can just make out vague outlines or more like dark shapes of the seaweed. When I first dive in, I can see the sandy areas, the rocks, the little shells, but I quickly reach the deep water and it’s just not as interesting. I started my usual routine, swimming to the cement dock for 10 pull-ups, then back out to the edge of the swimming area. Even with out the ropes and in the dark, I know about where the end of the swimming area is because I remember the big rocks and cinder blocks on the lack floor. If I see those I know I’m near the edge.
It is maybe sort of weird to other people that I try to stick to the perimeter when I don’t need to, but I have a runner’s brain that needs to be able to count what I’ve done. How many times did I swim to the cement and back? I don’t write it down, and I’m only now starting to time my swims. I can’t help it. I want to know what I’m doing and plug it into my exercise app. I never look at the “workouts” I’ve logged, but knowing it’s there makes me feel better. There are so many gaps where I do nothing, so recording it tells me I am holding, at least. It’s a mind trick.
Depression is really about being overwhelmed on every level. The weight of everything flips a switch, numbs my brain, my motivation, my energy, my thoughts, my desires. So, if you know someone who has the disease, don’t be surprised if they haven’t opened their mail in months (or longer). I never open my mail. It’s not even a conscious decision. I take it out of the box, I put it on the table, and it sits there for months. It means nothing to me. Not dealign with it is part of that switch that gets flipped on a deep, unconscious level so long ago. Same with cleaning my house. Done. Depression wipes out all non-essential activities. And some essential activities. The pervading theme/feeling/thoughts = “I don’t care.”
Swimming, and especially swimming in the cold, is the only thing I can focus on. I will put the time in to prepare, to get the gear, to find swimming partners, whatever it takes. I’m free in the water. I can move (I like to think I glide), I feel supported by the water and at one with it. Trippy thing to say but being is water is the only time I can let go. Again, not a conscious thing. But think of life. So many balls to keep in the air. Pay this bill. Return that shirt to J Crew. Get a job. Work. Resolve the issue with your medical insurance. Take your pills. Don’t lose your keys. I can’t handle it. At all.
Living with a couple chronic diseases is so much work. Physically and cognitively, so much to do and maintain. And I fail at it. I screw it up. I forget if I’ve taken my pills. I space out and watch movies all night because I can’t make myself do anything else, and then am too tired for my afternoon therapy session on Zoom. Bla bla bla. Spending most of time and energy on this infuriates me because it leaves me too tired to do what I want. So I swim. I don’t give two poops what problems I might be creating for myself by ignoring mail, voicemail, emails. I can only clear my head in the water.
Now that it’s cold and the water can be quite rough, I have to pay attention. One little mistake can actually be dangerous. I wanted to swim longer today (I clocked in at 12 minutes), but I kept looking back to the beach to see M and noticed how dark it was. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable waiting for me. I’m also still trying to master all the gear. I am trying to just let it be ok if 12 min is all I get.
I need more time for swims because I have to get out of all the gear and into dry clothes, make sure I get all the wet stuff into my mesh bag, and remember to sit and drink a bunch of water before I get up and scurry to the car. Today it was not cold so I was able to recover from the swim better. Back home there is more time to spend. Shower. Also, I have to rinse all the items and hang them to dry. I don’t like it, but it’s important to take care of the gear (I have to return the wetsuit soon—it’s a tester) but it does mean that I have less energy that day to do other things.
I think today’s lesson, not that there always needs to be one, but why not….is that there are so many factors I need to consider with the swims. I can’t worry about how often I go or how long I can stay in the water. It’s challenging not to get wiggy about it. It’s my happy place, with the added bonus of pain-free exercise. But I gotta just let each swim be what it’s gonna be. I suppose this is my form of meditation or mindfulness.
Namaste, mf-ers!!
Oh, snap! Here’s the flat water, and it’s dark now.
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