Placeholder Walk Instead of Whining From the Couch

Wednesday, Oct 5, 2022-Cool, hazy, the moon is out.

Today at the lake…I didn’t go to the lake. I’ve been on the couch for a few days with bad allergies or maybe a cold. Sniffly, sneezy, and extra tired. Seemed smarter to go for a short walk than haul myself and all my gear to the lake. 

I think my respiratory system is all in a huff over the seasons changing. It’s still warm, but I can feel things shifting. The air is different. The sky is different. The cold over air is moving in, and pretty soon it will be rainy. For months and months. 

At least it is still light out until almost 7pm, so I was able to shuffle down the street and back before it got too dark. I love walking in the dark, especially late at night, but I don’t do it unless I have a walking buddy. Sucks that I have to be concerned about my safety, but better to be safe. Need to meet some neighbors who are night exercisers like me. 

First Wetsuit Swim

My last swim was on Monday night. I haven’t been sleeping very much, so it was a real stretch to get there. Then while I was sitting on the beach, waiting for K4, I saw a sign about some weed killer that had been applied to the water. Why now at the end of the season? The weeds were awful this year, part of the reason I hardly swam in September. I hate them. 

We decided we were safe to swim. I didn’t work that hard to get into my wetsuit for the first time in months only to go home without swimming. 

We swam to the buoy, which is so much easier to do with someone. Time just flies. We saw another woman at the buoy. She was snapping photos with her camera/phone, which I think was in some sort of case. She was excited to be taking photos. That’s what the water does – makes small, simple things feel bigger, more fun. I need to get my little camcorder out and do some more videos. Nobody but me and maybe other swimmers would even care to watch. Still, it makes me feel like a fancy aquatic explorer. 

I was too warm in my wetsuit, but that’s ok. I need to get back in the habit of using it, and add some time to pre-swim prep so I am geared up and ready to go when I meet my swim buddies. It was nice to wade into the water and not feel cold at all! And the water was perfect. Silky. Flat. We were just gliding through with ease. Silky water is the best, one of the most swim-affirming conditions!

After we reached the buoy and decided to head back to the beach I took of with a burst of energy, then pulled up to site, only to realize I was swimming in the opposite direction. I’m glad it amuses my swim buddy to see me spin/swim in a circle, but it’s a bit embarrassing. I guess the weakness on the left side of my body is not so subtle in the water. I wonder if I can do PT to make that side stronger or if the neuro damage is always gonna limit me. I know it can’t be reversed, but would more strength take up some of the difference. Or, I just need to site more often. 

Playing, Not Training

Several of the swimmers I know have taken a lesson or two to improve stroke. I don’t care that much. After years of competitive sports I am enjoying being in the water, movement, exercise not monitored by time (I do keep track of how many minutes I swim or walk, although I never look at it after it’s in my app) or with a goal in mind. Maybe at some point I will want to learn better technique so I can do crawl stroke, but for now just getting myself there and doing the swim is enough. 

I really really wish I could have my XC teammates from junior high through college join me for my swims. Those afternoons running every fall are my best memories. I have never been that strong or fit since then. To have that teen body again! 

Treating Depression

It was a special sort of moon a few days back, so I left a bottle of water out on my porch overnight to catch the moon rays. Now I’m drinking the water, hoping I get some witchy energy to put behind my intentions for the fall. I just started a year-long intensive outpatient program for my depression. It’s a special program for addressing all sorts of issues, including suicidal (thoughts, behaviors, ideation); drug addiction; and other behavioral manifestations of mental health crises. We go for a two-hour group session/class once a week, then a private counseling session once a week, and there is coaching. And lots of homework. I’m committed, and my therapist and psychiatrist think it will help me. I hope so because I am still not recovered. 

The TMS helped. I think it removed the giant boulder that was covering the pit I’ve been in for so many years. Now I need a ladder to climb out of the pit. 

If you would have told me as a young person I’d have a psychiatrist I would have laughed. Because STIGMA. What b.s. Just a doctor that specializes in mental health. The kind of doctor who can figure out meds that might help. I’m happy for the help. There is no difference between health and mental health. There is no shame in any of it. One of the reasons I’m sharing these little brain dumps is because I want everyone to feel safe talking about these topics. I really don’t care who knows. Yes, there are many things about my health that are private. But the more I have shared about depression, the more people have contacted me to share their stories. And at this point in my life, it’s all about connection and community. 

The healthcare system is majorly screwed up, imo. That’s another post for another day. In the meantime, I want to learn all I can so I can continue to improve my health and provide any support I can to others coping with health issues. 

And I’m gonna keep swimming in cold water because the buzz is amazing. One of the very best highs of my life. It says a lot about the benefits of cold water swimming that I chose to swim for my high when I live near several pot stores. I don’t want and can’t afford gummies/edibles; I’m sticking with the lake.