Poopy Mood

Wind: from S 3.5 m/sec (8 mph); Air Temperature: 24.2 °C (76 °F); Water Temperature: 22.11 °C (72 °F)

Today at the lake, it was cooling down from a 90-degree day. There were still a lot of people at the lake when I arrived after 7pm. Everyone is squeezing out every last drop of summer. Why not? 

I felt like crap, but made myself go to the lake anyway, figuring that even if all I did was float, it would be better than staying in the hot house. When I started to enter the lake, a guy on a jetski drove right through the swim area (they removed the ropes a week ago). I yelled over to him that he should not be in the swimming area because he could hurt someone. He nodded, and to his credit, I didn’t see him do that again. But there were others out there. 

I swam across the length of the swim area and back, then decided to swim north to get to quieter water. There were huge wakes in the water from all the motor boats (I hate them). I tried to pace myself, sticking with breast stroke because I was way too tired for crawl. I tried to think of anything other than how sick I felt. I tried to think of anything other than how much I dislike the summer crowds because so many people don’t treat the park and the lake with respect. I tried to get out of my head. I wasn’t very successful. 

I’ve had about four swims lately that I haven’t recorded because I’m too tired and cranky to write when I get home. Usually nothing sticks with me in the water, but lately it doesn’t always work that way. I’m trying to dramatically downsize and move into a tiny living situation, and it’s too hard. Friends have helped, but it’s still too hard. I don’t know how to organize things or space. I have ten years of stuff in storage to go through. It’s brutal. My friends push me to just toss it all, but I can’t do that. 

Some of those things are either important to me or things I had to pack away 10 years ago when I downsized for graduate school, and I want them back in my life. I don’t have the same rules about what I keep or dispose of. How long it’s been in storage doesn’t mean anything because the past 10 years have been a shit show. I lost the life I had, and now I’m trying to figure out where I am, what I want. 

I don’t have a partner, kids, a job, so my photos are important to me. I don’t want to throw out old cards and letters until I look through them and maybe scan some of them. I have lots of medical records I need, too. 

I also don’t have the same brain that my friends have. My level of impairment makes figuring out spaces very challenging. Being poor makes things harder, too, because my impulse is to have doubles and quadruples of things since I can’t afford to replace them in the future. And on it goes. 

Last night I had a dream that I sores all over my body and couldn’t breathe. They took me off a plane and put me in the hospital, and they said I was dying. In the dream nobody would take me to the clinic for the required treatment, and I was afraid I was going to die. Then I woke up, feeling awful. AND, my telehelath therapy appointment was canceled. And I actually do have weird sores that don’t heal and trouble breathing.

That’s why I made myself go to the lake. 

The water is the perfect temperature right now. Very cool but not cold. Refreshing. The sun is setting earlier every week, so that makes the water quite dark. I could see see the milfoil stalks, the random bubbles of hidden lake creatures, and the rocks on the lake floor. I saw part of a large fish tonight, just as it darted out of my way. I’m not used to seeing large fish move that fast. Usually they seem unfazed by my presence. 

I enjoyed swimming north because there are large gaps in the milfoil where there are sandy areas with just ground cover type of weeds. And the water is quite shallow, so I when I’m tired it feels safe since I can get to standing height quickly. The milfoil looks pretty beat up at this point. There are parts of the weeds that have lost their fringe, and there are faded parts. There are broken pieces floating in the water. I will be happy when the summer people disappear. 

The lake has been abused this summer, and it needs to rest. I feel the same way, actually. It’s been kind of a crummy summer. Too many big life issues going on. Getting kicked out of my housing has been crazy. How to downsize, move, and find affordable housing? It has consumed all my energy and my summer. Not happy about that, but I’m also focussed on my new home. I want it to work out. I want to get past this anger and frustration. I want to make a plan, work toward something rather than respond to things.

I ended up turning around before I thought I would, and I swam back toward the cement dock. I didn’t want to get too close to it because yesterday it smelled like shit. I talked to two guys who were on the ladders when I did my chin-ups, and one of them suggested that maybe a boat dumped its sewage there. Fuck! What is wrong with people. Use some sense and respect that other people use the lake. It’s crazy to me that boaters don’t seem to use any caution around the swim areas. They just barge into the few small areas set aside for swimming. If the parks department would leave the ropes up it would help.

I got to the shallow water in the swim area and looked up at the benches past the beach, hoping to see my friends. Not tonight. I had a nice chat with some women at the showers who had gone swimming in their clothes. One was wearing a cute embroidered black skirt. 

I showered fast, then got dressed under my towel. I texted my friends a photo of the water. I know my camera didn’t capture the pink tint on the water, reflected off the sky, but that was the spirit in which I sent it. Check out what nature’s doing tonight. 

Thanks, lake. I’ll try to be better next time.