Spun Around

Today at the lake….I am on my couch. Flat out. Sweaty, dizzy, waiting to succumb to my second COVID Moderna vaccination from this afternoon. 

Feeling Crappy

I wanted to go back to bed when I got home because doing this daily TMS treatment is killing me. I’m not sleeping, so I’m a zombie all week. I usually sleep without an alarm on Sat and Sunday so I can sleep 14 hour days. This weekend it seemed prudent to get my vax out of the way since I’m having surgery just a few days after my final TMS treatment. 

Where are My Socks?

So, here I am, having spent the early evening hauling clothes, socks, bags, and boxes out to the lawn. Because my brain injury I can’t find things or deal with the stuff in my house. It’s all one big blob. My brain therapist said to lay down a huge tarp on the lawn and dump everything on it. Then I can see individual things, group them, find a place for them, and make piles for donating, throwing out, recycling. It is a good system, but I don’t get rid of enough stuff. It is slow work, too, so after a couple of hours I’m exhausted and still have to move it all back inside and fold up the tarp. Luckily, the tarp is new, only used twice, for this lawn sorting project, so I can actually fold it vertically into the creases that hopefully will never go away because I need them to know how and where to fold it. Anyway, I just got done hauling it all inside. 

My landlord came out to see what I was doing. No judgement; he just wondered. He worries when I wander off with my key in the door! I leave it on its lanyard hanging on the door because I’m so afraid of locking myself out. My brain only works one way. So I either always do something or never do it. A few years back I started wearing my keys on purple UW lanyard around my neck so I wouldn’t lose them, and it has been so helpful. I come inside and hang them on the inside doorknob or clip them to my wire shelf. Sometimes I leave them outside, in the door, which freaks me out (and probably my landlord, too). 

I am collecting socks to send to Smartwool so they can recycle them into dog beds. It’s a thing they’re doing now. Most of the sorting is easy: it if has a hole in it, it goes into the mailer pouch. But what about old, pilled socks that don’t have holes? I was taught that you don’t toss out things that have good wear left in them. This is what makes my life inside. I’m not a hoarder. I just have a lot of stuff. There is a difference. I’m also poor, so I’m not eager to toss out a $22 pair of hiking socks cause they’re old and ugly. F. F. F. I think if it doesn’t rain tomorrow and if I’m not in bed with post-vax bleh I will try to do another sort…or five. 

You might be wondering about that sock, pictured. That is one of my ex’s socks. I find them all the time. It has been years and years and years since we broke up, and we never even lived together, and I find his stupid black Costco socks all the time. One at a time. It’s like an incurable virus. Always popping up. He left more socks at my house (and I’ve lived in four or five places since we broke up) than most people own. WTF? 

I doubt he ever even thinks about me or his socks, but it really irritates me to find them. It would seem like he planted them so I would always be reminded of him. It’s not his style. I have an ex who would do that, leave little reminders. I found and burned all his stuff so long ago. But this sock thing….is so confusing. There have been so many socks over the years. I’ve cycled through and thrown out MY socks, and I’m still finding his. WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF?

It’s not a sign. It’s NOT a sign. Maybe just a reminder that I’m nowhere near interested in having a boyfriend, and when or if I ever am, he better not leave his stuff at my house!!!

The Lake

Anyway, back to the lake. I have been going M, W, F, and swimming with my swim buddy K once or twice a week. So much more fun to share the lake with someone. Last week we had four people one day. They soaked for 20 min while I swam, then I joined them for the last 1- minutes of their sock. They are the brave/crazy ones, not wearing wetsuits or wearing only a neoprene jacket. They soak for the cold water benefits. 

We chatted like women do, in a circle, floating and bobbing. Somehow we got onto the topic if edibles and sleep, and off they all went. I was laughing because they all had very specific weed products they used for various needs. I told them we should form a little village in the woods near a lake and just be witches and swim every day. They liked that idea. 

Over on the shore I saw my friends B and T sitting on a bench. I waved to them, hoping they would still be in the park by the time I finished and got dressed. 

I have a new system. I use the outdoor showers to rinse off every piece of gear, then I fold it all up and put it in my new Orca mesh backpack. It has drainage holes on the base. When I get home all I have to do is hang up everything. No more wrangling with all of it, bending over my tub. It’s sometimes chilly when I’m changing, but it’s worth the extra time at the park. 

I’ve been lucky lately that I have been able to find my friends B and T in the park after my swims. Their son, R, rides his bike one the big path that goes through the park, so I always look for him when I go swimming. It’s so fun to see a friend and wave to each other. Sometimes I wave from the water, sometimes I’m on the beach, getting dressed. It is so nice to talk to B and T. The only thing that would be nicer is if I brought tea!!!!!!!!!!! Sharing tea with people you like is the best use of tea. 

The water has been incredible. I don’t think it’s warmer; I’m just acclimated. My face doesn’t burn at all. Of course, it’s warmer than it was this winter, but still in the high 40s F. I think it’s getting around 50 or warmer because I had to stop wearing my 5mm gloves; my hands were too warm. 

The sun is scarce, so sometimes I start my swim in grey and end up with sun. Other times I start with sun and end up in grey….or rain. The water feels so good. It’s been pretty flat, too. My routine has been to swim to the boat speed limit buoy, then go south, then head to the shore, making a huge triangle. I can’t really see anything in the water when I’m in the deep water. It’s just a blue-green haze, with the occasional sunbeam. I wish I was in better shape and stronger because I want to stay in the water longer. 

I guess I will have to work up to it, but I wonder what my body will decide is my cap. For now 20 minutes. 

Neoprene Crisis

I found a tear in my almost brand new Orca thermal suit. I just about had a fit, and the store wouldn’t exchange it. They did give me %10 off (about $40) and sent me a tube of glue to repair the hole. Ok. I feel bad that a few days later I bought another thermal suit. I had to. It is specially designed for breast stroke swimmers and it’s thermal. I was only $240, more than 50% off, so I don’t know what’s up with that. Still waiting for it to arrive from UK. I keep ordering wetsuits and swim gear from online stores that end up being in other countries!! They trick me with US prices and such. I had to return one suit to Denmark! Need to do a better job of trying to figure out where these online stores are actually based. 

I had to get new socks because my old socks got holes in them from the trek from car to beach. I fixed that problem with new purple old lady gardening clogs from Amazon. I love them so much, but can only wear them with I’m wearing two pairs of neoprene socks. Otherwise, they’re too big for me. I have to be so careful after my swim to slowly shuffle my way to my car after I’ve showered and packed up my wetsuit gear. I can’t afford to fall again. 

The Depression

The zapping is going ok. I don’t feel a huge change, and I don’t think I’ll be getting the depression into remission. Still, I have about eight sessions left, and the doc said that it’s not over til it’s over. Mostly, I have little breaks in the grey clouds during which I think that I might like to take a trip or work on a project or ….. and then crazy anxiety and panic flood in. The docs say this is normal. I still feel so distant from myself and from others. I think that is the PTSD. I am trying to find a place to get EMDR so I can get that lined up for June. 

I made a playlist of songs for the tech to play for the rest of my visits, so she always has them lined up and ready for me when I arrive. We are so dialed in with the treatment now. She slaps that beanie on my, I put in my mouthguard and earplugs, and then she adjusts the zapper to my head. Off we go. One and a half songs later, I’m in the lobby, grabbing the free snacks before my friend who drives me has even flipped through her phone to kill some time. 

BAM!

I saw a dead goose on the shore of the lake a few days ago. It made me really sad. I wanted to so something about it, but thought it was probably better not to touch it. I forgot about it until just now. Maybe I should have called the wildlife people. 

Ok. Here’s the lake. Until next time……….buh-bye.